My name is Jean and I'm an alcoholic

OK, I think I need an AA intervention - or at least some good aspirin - wow, I have such a hangover headache. Yesterday was so rough - really rough. I had some people I work with basically tell me how useless I am and that I should be one of the 14K people here who will be laid off in the near future. It was just mean. And I don't get it. Why would anyone be so negative to a colleague? I know everyone is under a lot of stress right now and people respond to stress in different ways, but please, don't take your anger out on me. And I don't want to sound too proud - but I am very proud of the work I have done in the last 6 months! I improved our naming compliance from 30% up to above 90%. That is a great accomplishment. Just because people don't want to be held accountable, don't blame me.

Anyway, sorry I'm ranting, it is just hard. I'm far from home, I'm far from John, layoffs and re-orgs are announced, our org will be cutting 10% and I just take things too personally. So I went out last night with Debbie and we had a great time, but 3 martinis is too many for me these days - no matter how many hours we were out. So this morning I pay the price for my excess. My head is throbbing, I have a ton of work to do and I catch a plane in a few hours to California, followed by several hours of more meetings. Why do I do this to myself? I should know better by now. Someone slap me, please!

The good news is, having gotten all of that out, I feel better already. Of course, the caramel macchiato might have something to do with the attitude improvement too :-)

Safely Landed - in so many ways

My plane landed safely in Portland. In fact, Hertz didn't have a car with Neverlost (Again), so I waited for a while in their lounge until they had one available and - bada bing! I got a Jag! So I am very happily landed indeed :-)

It sounds like things have been a little crazy in just this day. Earle resigned his position - mostly because I think he got sick of being treated like a slave instead of oh, I don't know, a human being! But you know, I am sure he is scared and nervous about what will happen next, but I also have every faith that this will be good for him and that he will land safely too.

My cousin Misty had a big doctor's appointment today. I haven't seen any updates on it which makes me a little nervous, but I'm hoping she has just been too busy. But she has been on my mind and I am worried about her and how she will handle whatever the doctors tell her. In her situation even "good" news isn't exactly great, so again, it seems weird to be out of town with so much going on.

And it feels weird to be kind of happy to be here. I mean, I have a Jag. I'm going to eat well. I have plenty of time for work and studying and sight seeing. It's like a mini-vacation for me when I go on business travel - I just don't have John here to share it with - which would really improve the situation.

But I'm finally coming down from the high of flying and I have a feeling I may just crash into that bed in any minute.

Today's failed test - there was an obese woman on the plan and I wanted so much to go up to her and tell her about my surgery and just share my story with her in the hopes of brining her an idea of a way to make her life better. Unfortunately, I let that voice in my head drag me down and say - She'll think you're judging her. She'll think your too skinny to know what she feels. She'll think you pity her and she doesn't want that. - When really what I had for her was love and hope. Next time I hope I hear God's voice loud enough to remind me that helping people isn't wrong and talking from the heart is right.

The Light of Day

Some days you just wake up and the sun is shining. OK, maybe not outside, but your outlook can be so pleasant. Hmmm... now that I think about it, I usually do have this feeling of serenity when it IS raining. I guess it's the peace of that tappity tap on your windows and the pavement and the slush of the water rolling down the street. I have started my day today with several things in my head that I am just happy about.

Number one is Carrie. She came over last night for her birthday dinner and we hung out until midnight or so just chatting and hanging and scrapping and eating. It was a lot of fun and something we haven't had time for in a long time. Our lives have both gotten so busy we have just gone in different directions and haven't had time to just "be". So we did last night and not only was it great fun to just chill out at home with a friend, I started to think this morning of all that she has given me. She brought me to Wellspring. Wellspring has changed my life. I have so many new friends and relationships now that all stemmed from one person. Most of all, I have a relationship with God that I just never imagined before.

Number two is little relationships. I stopped in Starbucks this morning and realized this has become a regular Friday thing for me lately. Not only did the guys know my name, they even knew what I would want to drink without me asking. That's not the cool part though. The cool part is that Eric and Barb were chatting about Evolution vs. Creationism and I got to take part in a conversation (albeit a rather quick one) about it and how sometimes you can be a Christian and still think evolution has merit. How cool is that to be comfortable enough with the people in a coffee shop to talk about something like that - and not only that but to be comfortable to say I'm a Christian! It's funny because I've been one for a long time, but I get so caught up in the word and what I perceive as negative connotations around it (judging homosexuals, judging liberals, judging women who have had abortions, just...judging) that it has been hard for me to accept myself as a part of a greater community when that community includes people I am so different from - especially in Houston, home of Bush and Republican Mecca. You've heard the old saying that Austin is a Liberal Oasis in a Republican Desert. But then I have people in Wellspring like Bill and Gayle who are the most conservative people I have ever met and they have taken the time to explain their beliefs in an open and responsive way so that I can see that side. They don't try to change my mind, they just help me to understand their view AND they actually listen and try to understand mine. Which takes me to 3...

Third, Bill and Gayle. Man. Wow. They found out yesterday that Bill's cancer is in stage 3 and currently inoperable. They are debating between just letting go versus trying some chemo-radiation to reduce the size of the tumor and hope it shrinks to an operable size. And do you know what their message to us said? "We will have lots of decisions to make in the near future. Keep praying for wisdom for us. We still trust in God's wisdom, power and love." Can you believe that? The man just heard that - based on the research he did on the internet - 90% of the people with his condition don't make it and he still trusts in God's wisdom, power and love. How awesome is that?

Which leads to my conclusion (I've been writing too many essays for school - this seems way too much like introductionry paragraph...1...2...3...conclusion). My life has been changed dramatically in the past year. Carrie helped to guide me to Wellspring and now my life is changed. I am not afraid of God, I am drawn to him. I am not afraid of Christians, I am encouraged by those who are open to love. I am free to join in conversations with people of opposing views and do so without judgment and with love. I can go to a coffee house and let Barb see that I am a Christian and I don't care that she is a lesbian. I can show her love and acceptance.

And maybe, just maybe, God will let me be a tool like He did with Carrie and I can bring someone to Wellspring and they can find happiness too.

Weigh In

I went down to the fitness center for my weigh in today. Man, I can't believe how far I have come. My doctors said I could get as low as 135, but my personal goal is to be at 150. I think that seems like a reasonable and lifetime achievable goal, whereas 135 may be something I hit once, but I don't think it's sustainable for me. This morning I found out I am only 4.5 pounds away from my goal! Oh My God! I wanted to lose 100 pounds this year and I still have all of July, August and September before I hit that year mark. So, it looks like I will not only make my goal, but I might make the doctor's goal easier than I realized.

Not that this is always easy. Take last night for example - not a lot of fun there. I made a nice dinner for some friends - chicken, cheese ravioli with homemade fresh pesto, broccoli and for an appetizer, baguet with goat cheese and peppered salmon. The appetizer went down just fine and I love that goat cheese. But when it came time for dinner, those ravioli were just so good, I ate way too much of them - I think I had like 6 or 7 or something. While that doesn't sound like a whole lot - especially considering I used to eat the whole package - when it comes to pasta and rice I just can't seem to do it. I think its a combination of the carbs and the food expanding in my tiny belly. So I spent a few hours being totally uncomfortable. I know better, it was just too much of a temptation.

Still, I consider myself lucky that it is only pasta and rice that give me trouble and if you believe the current diet crazes, it's probably okay that I don't eat too much of those anyway. And if I behaved more like some of the others I know who have undergone this treatment, I could always just make myself throw up when I feel that pressure and it would be better in no time. To me that just sounds way to much like an eating disorder and an easy way to get into a bad habit. So I don't mind the few hours of discomfort and I hope it helps me to remember not to do that again any time soon.

So overall, this is still one the top ten list of things that have happened in my life. I feel healthier and more fit and more capable than I could have possibly dreamed just a year ago. I have another trip coming up next week and I'm actually looking forward to the plane ride because being on a plane now reminds me of how far I have come since I was barely able to squeeze in and use to need an extension and now I can even cross my legs and put a book next to me in the seat with the buckle tightened and a few inches of belt to spare.

My next goal is to work on my muscle tone. My belly and thighs especially. And you know what the cool part is, I am finally small enough to care what I look like! I know that may sound silly, but you reach a point in obesity where you think that no matter what you will always be fat and ugly. I have finally hit the point where I want to improve my body not just for my health but to look better too. I guess it might sound vain to some, but for someone my friend Kate refers to as "FFG" (Former Fat Girl) it means we have made a giant step into self-worth. The big difference between this and vanity is that I'm not preening in front of a mirror or trying to impress someone else - I really just want to see if I can do it. I finally look at myself and say - hey, I'm cute!

Now if I can just do something about the flapjacks... :-)

Secrets

It's been a very interesting day. Some friends have shared some big secrets with me. Problems with health and relationships. Struggles to find their way through life. It makes me wonder why we are so afraid of each other. The things my friends shared were only parts of their lives, they were glimpses of this moment in time. The stresses of today that need to be struggled through and will no doubt bring pain - physical and emotional. But moments in time that one way or another will pass. Both people followed their sharing by saying that they were sorry they had dumped on me. When to me they had opened their hearts and shared their souls - when I felt so loved by their trust and sharing. Why are we so afraid of each other? Why is it so hard to say what we really feel? Why are we afraid of the truth?

And I don't mean to point at my friends, I do the same. I am afraid to say what I really think or really feel about certain subjects. I am afraid I will be ridiculed or people won't understand my true meaning. Take my husband for example, he is an amazing person. But sometimes, we all need to vent about our loved ones and I find that I have to be very careful with who I talk to when John and I disagree about something. Some people will hold things against him or add that to a list they are keeping of his failings. And when I have forgiven and moved on, they still hold on to that - whatever - as if it were gold. So I don't talk to Paul about John because I know that not only will it not help, it will hurt. But I do talk to Ken because he can help me to see John's side and more importantly help me figure out how to tell John what I feel. OK, now since I've spent a whole paragraph on John you are probably all wondering what he did. Nothing. It's just an easy example since that is one of the things I have struggled with recently. So, don't give him a hard time, okay? :-)

The thing is I think maybe all I can do for my friends is listen. And you know what, I am so grateful that I can offer that to them. I want to listen. I long to hear about their lives. I want to share in their good and bad times and if I can offer a shoulder or a slight ray of hope or even just a passing thought that someone out there does care - I will fill my purpose in life. See I've given up on trying to save the world. I'm struggling to get over wanting everyone to like me - especially in my family - and it is a daily struggle. But I can listen. In fact I'm pretty good at it I think.

So let me do it. Let me listen. Let me be here for you. Or at least let me try.

You know who you are, and I love you.

Keeping busy

I am sitting here at work trying to find the motivation to do some work, or at least some studying. I have so much to read for class, a paper due on the 25th and a final on the 30th. It seems like I can't possibly get all of that I need to do done between now and the time I fly out to Portland next Monday. And yet I can't seem to focus on even reading a chapter. I know I need to, but geepers I think I'd rather go to the dentist. Actually, my dentist is pretty good looking, so that isn't realy saying much.

Jules came over last night for a game of Scrabble and it was such a nice end to a very productive day. I got CDs made from my grandmother's party and CDs for my colleagues of my trips abroad. Of course, I'm still trying to put together the short version for friends and family - maybe that will happen while I'm in Portland taking more pictures.

I'd really like to get a new digital camera. The one we have is getting pretty out-dated and the pictures from the party are so blurred because it just isn't a fast enough speed. They are so inexpensive now, it shouldn't be too hard to find a nice one at a good price. I don't even need anything big, just a click and shoot thing. We'll see what I can find out there. Then again, I may ask Wiley what kind he wants and get him the new one and take his old one since it was a great little camera and I did break it - doh!

Tonight will be for paying bills and getting caught up on home paperwork, so it will be another active day. If I could just get myself motivated now to do something productive. Of course, maybe blogging is productive for me - it just doesn't get me any closer to getting that chapter read - oh well!

Happy Monday

Greetings friends and loved ones! It's Monday! Rise and Shine!

This morning on my way to work I decided to stop in and buy a cup of coffee at Starbucks, partially since I am so early and partially because John was still sleeping when I left and he makes much better coffee than I do. Anyway, as I walked away from the shop I realized - yet again - just how good my life is. I mean, I just spent $4 on a cup of coffee. That's a little crazy really.

In my ethics class we are talking about utility, cost-benefits analysis, stuff like that. One of the items up for discussion has been about helping those in need and the disenfranchised. And one arguement presented is that those of us with money to do things like buy coffee for $4 shouldn't do it. We should send the money to someone who needs it more. Kind of a communistic approach where we all take care of each other. It makes me wonder, if I hadn't spent that money on a coffee, where would it have gone? Toward our mortgage? Toward our donations? Or would it just have been lost in the ether like so much of our income seems to be - you know cell phones and electric bills and all that.

Does $4 really make a difference in our world, or at least in our country? In a year it would certainly add up - and that would be a house payment. But is it truly possible to pull aside $4 a day? Would you withdraw it from the bank each morning? Would you write yourself a check at the end of the week? How would you know which digits in your bank account were a part of that daily savings? Have we lost sight of what money is in our country because today it is mostly about numbers in an account book or on a website? Does the fact that we rarely use cash make it seem somehow less tangible and more easily disposable? Or is it simply that I am a child of a generation that believes we have a "right" to certain luxuries in life and we would rather be comfortable now and worry about tomorrow another day?